


A Pig Falls On Your Head

by liliths, wasabi (octocelot)



Category: Board Game Online, Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Adventure, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Crack, Crack Crossover, Crack Treated Seriously, Games, Humor, Its all crack, M/M, alternate universe - board game online
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-24
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2018-12-06 07:03:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11595390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liliths/pseuds/liliths, https://archiveofourown.org/users/octocelot/pseuds/wasabi
Summary: ...and gives you a headache. Crawl back three spaces.Or, Victor is a witch who owns a shop in an online board game and shows up at Yuuri's doorstep wanting to slay dragons.And, Yuuri is a bit too captivated to say no to his shennanigans.





	A Pig Falls On Your Head

**Author's Note:**

> 3:52 A.M.  
> ray: the funniest thing is yuuriweek has to reblog this shit  
> lee: ur heckin right  
> ray: if we post it  
> im gonna cry and laugh  
> lee: when* we post it
> 
> As a sort of background, Yuuri and Victor in this AU are characters in an online game. Think of a game as a universe in which you can have strange adventures.
> 
> Ray (liliths) would like to apologize to her subscribers. And to everyone in general.
> 
> Seriously, though, if you want to play this game with us ever, you know where to find us. We're just kind of really emotional over our making history by being the first entry in the BGO fandom??? Yeah.

 

                                                          

 

                                                    

There was someone in the doorway, but there wasn’t _supposed_ to be anyone in the doorway. Maybe because the doorway didn’t actually physically exist—it was just some lines of code written to create an online board game. Maybe because the doorway was a digital doorway on a website that was under maintenance and therefore had no players. Maybe because Yuuri technically didn’t exist and was just a shopkeeper in this game. Trippy.

“Hello?” Yuuri called. “Who’s there?”

 

 

He tossed a faulty EMP generator into the trashcan on his way to the front of the Future Shop. His stores would be refilled after the maintenance anyway, the items ready to be sold to desperate players with enough rupees. Capitalism, man.

Sometimes, Yuuri wished he could play BGO—Board Game Online. But he was a just a dime a dozen shopkeeper at the end of the day, one of the characters needed for the impossibly complicated game to function.

“Guess,” a voice called in reply. “I’ll give you a hint. I have a big stick that works magic on my person of choice.”

“Do you mean a magical Staff?” 

 

Yuuri looked up from the trash can towards the doorway-that-shouldn’t-exist and almost went into a panic. A tall man wearing an oversized cloak and hat was standing there looking particularly sinister. “What are _you_ doing down here?”

Victor looked Yuuri up and down, seemingly confused. “I mean, I’m not _down there_ yet, but I could be if you wanted.”

Yuuri only at this point realized that Victor didn’t have a Staff in sight. “Um.”

“This isn’t a very pleasant first conversation,” the other man said with a teasing frown. “You don’t know me?”

Yuuri subconsciously started trying to hide himself behind his desk. “Should I? Are you the site moderator?”

“Not quite. I’m Victor. You know, the Magic Shop owner.” He took off his witch-hat to reveal his signature silver-blonde hair.

   

Yuuri got a lot of players coming into and out of his shop, usually looking for some items that would either help them go on adventures or move the most spaces forward to reach the finish line, usually the latter. The players who engaged in racing for the finish line were _particularly vicious._ Like a pack of Piranhas. Like the Grizzly Bear with an addiction. Like seventeen pissed-off angry ferrets that all had the tempers of Yurio. Yuuri would know.

The Magic Shop was also one of the most commonly visited shops in the entire game, and most of his customers had bought a wand or two from there at some point. Sometimes they blew up their enemies right outside the shop. So, yes, he’d heard of Victor. Mostly about how his dog Makkachin would curse anybody who tried to capture her with a Pocket Ball.

   

“Oh,” Yuuri said, rather stupidly.

To be fair, it wasn’t completely his fault. Somebody he had never met before had just waltzed into his shop at a strange time, probably illegally, too, and Yuuri was about as shy as it got. He preferred tinkering with the devices in his shop, trying to figure out new uses for his items. Seriously, the EMP Generator had to do something other than dispel ghosts.

“So,” Victor said, leaning against the doorway and not looking perturbed in the slightest. “Do you want to go on an adventure?”

“Pardon me?” Yuuri asked, raising a skeptical eyebrow.

 

 “Oh, come on,” Victor countered, flouncing into the shop. He paused by a rack of Improbability Devices, and Yuuri had half a mind to tell him not to mess with the merchandise. One of the functions of the Improbability Device had to do with killing all the other players in the game, and Yuuri was not quite sure if he wanted to be around when that happened.

 “What adventure? Why me?”

“I heard you were the right guy to call if you wanted to learn something dirty,” Victor answered. He gave Yuuri a wink, and Yuuri flushed. “Some of the dirty secrets of the game, I mean. I kind of want to explore the game myself, you know? I’m just one of the shopkeepers, and we never get to play. But since the site’s under maintenance right now, we can probably wander around and try some things out. Like an adventure.”

“Um,” Yuuri started, playing with his fingers. He had approximately three plans for the next few days while his shop would be empty: having some peace, some quiet, and figuring out the EMP Generator. Somehow, his mouth started forming words before he could stop them. “Okay. What kind of adventure?”

Victor’s mouth broke out into a brilliant, heart-shaped smile. “We’re going to kill a dragon!”

“ _What_?”

“It’s actually quite easy if you have some time,” Victor started to ramble. “Normal swords don’t have a high chance of killing the dragon, but if you go to The Land of Ooo and make it to the end of the Dungeon Crawl, you can get this amazing Demon Sword that _almost_ always guarantees success. Not always, though. Small details.” 

   

“Are you saying we might die?”

Victor paused as if he were considering his choice of responses. “Ya.”

Yuuri shook his head. He had never before in his life met someone who was so enthusiastic about _dying_ in an _online board game._ “But why do you want to kill the dragon?”

Victor blinked as if the answer were obvious. “Uh, fun?”

He leaned against one of the shelves, and the alarms started screeching in Yuuri’s head. “Fine!” he shouted. “But, also, get off the shelf before the Improbability Devices break and kill all of us.”

Victor stopped leaning against the little blue devices immediately. “Didn’t know they could do that.”

“Yeah, it has a 3% possibility of happening. I field test these things from time to time.”

The heart-shaped smile was back, and Yuuri felt his knees go just a _little bit_ wobbly at the sight. After all, Victor was probably one of the most well-known and well-visited characters in the entire game.

   

  _It’s just the heat from the Space Fluctuators,_ he told himself. _Just a little heat._

“See, that’s why they said you were the right guy to call for an adventure like this!” Victor exclaimed. “They say that you know pretty much every dirty tactic there is. Giving your Teleporter Activator to the Pawn Shop owner and making him disappear?” Victor snorted. “It was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. You should’ve seen Yakov’s face when that one player you tipped off did that to him.”

Yuuri smiled at that. He could picture Yakov’s angry and confused face as he was teleported away, still complaining about how his game description only said something about him being bald. 

“So?” Victor pressed, grinning. “You’re going to help me, right?”

   

Yuuri pondered for a brief moment the danger that the two of them might be in. “You have a bunch of Revive Scrolls, yeah? In case we die?”

“Of course,” Victor said. “Do you think adventurers complete their quests without first waving to God and giving him the finger as they’re sucked back down to Earth?”

 Yuuri shook his head, partly in disbelief at himself for agreeing to do this. “Okay, let’s go.”

 With that, he led Victor to the door and locked it safely behind him.

 Victor started down the road at a brisk pace, leaving Yuuri breathless as he tried to catch up.

 “What’s the hurry?” he panted.

 “Maintenance might be over soon. We have to get back to our shops before the players start pooling in again. It’s a pity your Teleporter can’t teleport you anywhere but back to where you left it. Besides, it’s better to come first than second.”

 “Not always,” Yuuri muttered. But he supposed Victor had a point. This game’s universe was expansive and always expanding. There were dozens of places to visit, countless things to do. You never knew if you would encounter a Traveling Salesman when you were just trying to get to The Church to heal your gonorrhea. The two of them had a lot of traveling ahead of them.

                                                                                                         

* * *

 

_100 spaces later._

 

                                                                                         

 

“Victor.”

Victor’s brow was furrowed in concentration, and he paid Yuuri no heed.

“ _Victor_.”

Suddenly, his silver hair snapped up so gracefully it was as if it momentarily defied the laws of physics. Which, as far as Yuuri knew, didn’t exactly exist in Board Game Online, so it was entirely possible. “Yuuri?”

“When are we going to get to The Land of Ooo to get our special sword? I already selected that as our theme.”

“We have to wait for the Prisms of Ooo to fall from the sky. They’ll transport us there. And then we have to pay homage to our generous and kind god by sacrificing a virgin’s blood.” Victor looked pointedly at Yuuri.

“What?” Yuuri squeaked.

Victor’s stern face slid into an easy smile, though now Yuuri wondered if something sinister was hiding behind it. “Just kidding about the sacrifice.”

Just as he finished speaking, something thumped near Yuuri’s foot, and he leapt back in surprise with a squeal.

Victor burst into raucous laughter. “That barely missed your head, Yuuri!”

“You’re lucky it didn’t hit me on the head,” Yuuri said wryly, inching away from the Pig that was now sniffing the ground for Shroom of Dooms. “If it had hit me, I would’ve stumbled back three spaces from you due to my headache.”

 “This game works in mysterious ways,” Victor muttered. He opened his mouth to say something more, but then toppled over off the rock he had been sitting on with a pained yelp. “The hell…?”

Yuuri stifled a giggle, pointing. “Look, Victor, we got the Prisms of Ooo that we needed to transport there.”

 

Another Prism of Ooo thumped on the ground near Yuuri as if to offer a resounding _yes_. He picked it up in his hands, carefully turning the blue prism over. It was lighter than he expected, and he didn’t know why Victor had practically collapsed after it fell on his head. Maybe it was just because Victor was going bald and had no hair to cushion the impact.

 _Worth two rupees at the Pawn Shop, but Yakov will only let you buy it back if you give him three rupees. What a cheap old mountain goat._  

“Ready?” he asked Victor, clicking on the Prism of Ooo.

“Oh yeah, Piggy,” Victor hooted, dusting himself off. He gave the dice another roll, they moved forward five spaces, past the Round’s Effects, and found themselves face-to-face with…

“Is that a vampire?” Yuuri spluttered. A very _red_ and angry-looking vampire, but a vampire nonetheless. “I thought we were getting a sword.”

 _"The vampire_ has a name,” the fanged character snapped. “It’s Mila the Vampire to you.”

 “Oh, it’s Mila,” exclaimed Victor. “Yuuri, meet Mila. You’ve probably heard of her already, but she’s the resident vampire here. Likes red things. A lot. The players have to give her something red as a sacrifice or get Incapacitated by her.”

Mila grinned, fangs flashing.

“Got anything red for me?” she asked Yuuri. “This hair doesn’t maintain itself, you know. Gotta suck up all the red to keep the game going.”

“Uh, no…” Yuuri replied, looking around his bag.

“Guess I’ll have to Incapacitate you then,” she replied sweetly.

“Can’t we just move on?” Victor asked her. “I mean, as a favor. For me. Don’t Incapacitate this one just this one time. I’ll bring you Makkachin’s Decursed Dog Collar again the next time the website goes into maintenance.”

 

 “Decursed Dog Collar? Oh, that’s a favorite of mine,” Mila replied, her red eyes glinting. She turned to Yuuri, explaining. “It’s one of the only reasons people visit me. It’s all part of that one achievement everyone’s trying to get—Makkachin’s Destiny or something. You see, once you’ve gone through all the trouble of decursing Makkachin’s collar, you can bring it to me where I will tell you about its origins and decode the glyphs on the damn thing. But, according to the game code, I’m so impressed with you, I just return the item and wish you good luck. Disgusting.”

“That’s how we became friends,” Victor added. “I once took Makkachin on a walk in Ooo and we ran into Mila here. She’s fascinated by that collar.”

“ _Everyone’s_ fascinated by that collar,” Mila the Vampire replied. “The second chapter of Makkachin’s Destiny hasn’t even been coded yet, so everyone’s dying to see what the ruins on the collar mean.”

“Oh,” Yuuri replied simply. “Oh.”

The magic and fantasy aspects of the game were definitely not his department of expertise, but it certainly filled him with awe.

“Well?” Victor asked, crossing his arms expectantly. “Are you letting us pass?”

A few seconds of silence passed before Mila just laughed. “No.”

The two adventurers went spiraling back to where they had come from.

Yuuri’s only thought was, _What in the world just happened?_ as the world swirled around him, taking him back 21 spaces. When he opened his eyes, he was back on the ground.

“Well, it looks like I’ve got to stay here until I’ve rested up,” Yuuri said dizzily. “It seems Mila hit me with something hard.”

“Just wait a few moments,” Victor soothed. “It’ll pass.”

Yuuri shuddered as he sat himself on the ground, unable to feel his own body and barely right in his mind. Then, Victor made a hasty movement, and the feeling was gone.

“What was that?” Yuuri asked.

 

 “A scroll. Divine Prayer. It negates the effects of Incapacitation and Skip-A-Turn. Magic. Yer a wizard, Yuuri.” Victor smiled warmly. This man smiled a lot.

“Okay,” Yuuri said, returning the smile. “Should we get some more items so we can get past that Dungeon Crawl?”

He should have known that Victor would just give him a knowing look and then whisk him off to the god-knows-where.

**Author's Note:**

> viva la flying spaghetti monster yall.
> 
> special notes: this is all...crack. we wrote it at like 5am and added pretty pictures from the game. we also love the game and once (lee!note: "once") spent 4 hrs achievement farming (lee!note: i was trying to kill the dragon, then revive it, then pocket ball it. after dying about 16 times and a few other times of Bad Luck we got kicked out for site maintenance before i could get the achievement. it was like 6am. i'm still salty.) so hit us up if u wanna solve the baron's murder mystery or catch salem (in this au, salem is makkachin). 
> 
> ray would also like to add that she is the bgo master and that druid is the best class.


End file.
